I Am Feprot's Candle

Subtitle 1, Experiments in Instant Magick

Subtitle 2, A Prelude to Actually Talking About Project Null

Subtitle 3, Shit That Happens When You Have to Drive but Are Way Too Tired

Subtitle 4, This is Aradia on Chaos Magick

A friend of mine gave me a reading this morning over coffee. The reading included one of my favorites - the 9 of Swords. The 9 of Swords in her deck, though (which is not one I'm incredibly familiar with or can even remember the name of) is an interesting version: a woman standing on the edge of a rooftop with her eyes closed.

"She should, you know," said the friend to me, "Probably open her eyes."


I took this warning incredibly literally, based on the iconography. I've been really tired this week. Falling asleep at my desk, falling asleep at stop signs, that kind of tired. This particular 9 of Swords is about to sleepwalk herself off of a ledge, and I've got to avoid such things.

Fast forward about sixteen hours, and I'm yawning my way through good-byes at a house of friends, a 45-minute drive separating me from home. Oh, and there's rain, and the coffee and Excedrin have done nothing for my energy level, and I am tired.

And I've got fifteen years of tricks and tips and weird strategies for keeping myself awake when I need to: making up songs incorporating roadside signage, translating my thoughts into languages I can barely remember studying, composing long and involved back stories for all of the other drivers on the road, factoring quadratic equations, calculating random percentages of random numbers, coming up with anagrams of road signs - I think you get the idea.

There are more: complicated and varied. The trick is, complicated enough to keep my focus, but not complicated enough to send me into a sleepy trance.

Lately, one of my favorites: turning statements of intent into mantras. Which involves visualizing the letters, deleting extras, and turning the remaining letters into something vaguely pronounceable. (Yes, exactly the way it's described in Liber Null. It gets much more interesting without writing any of it down.) This, honestly, runs right up against that line of being a little too complicated and sending me into a happy land of dreaming about anthropomorphized letters who fight for dominance and/or a spot next to the solitary vowel.

I also have a long standing habit of chanting while driving or in stressful situations. Far enough back in my history, it was Hail Marys (always in Spanish, though - that's another story). It occurred to me at some point along the way that the threat of whatever lurking danger I anticipated was likely minimal, but the panic attack was almost certain, and avoiding that was certainly as important of a goal.

Tonight, we combined the two: a statement of intent, and a chant to keep me calm.

I am safe, protected, and alert.

It started like that, repeated over and over again, before I considered turning it into something weirder.

IAMSFEPROTCDNL

It took me a few minutes, honestly, to narrow to that list. Meanwhile a couple of cars, obviously racing each other, swerve around me on the right, ending up ahead of me on the left. I am going 65, they must be doing nearly 90. I realize I am holding my breath.

IAMS FEPROT CDNL

Almost. Not quite.

Iams Feprot C'ndl

That works. I am stopped at a light, right behind the racing cars. There's actually a bit of traffic. I have the opportunity to watch the two almost cause several more accidents, but I am cool, now. I am 100% awake, breathing, and wrapped in a protective bubble of calm.

Iams Feprot C'ndl

I roll the "r," fuck with the pronunciation, do poor imitations of random media personalities reciting it.

It morphs a little bit, things get moved around.

Iam Feprots C'ndl

I chant the whole rest of the ride home, through the "no street parking, no behind the apartment parking, turning around in the alley, honking at the car about to drive down the alley while I am still turning around, finally finding a spot two blocks away," situation. I chant quietly, under my breath, walking up to the apartment.

By the time I get home I've got the energy to spend 45 minutes writing a blog post.

Now, perhaps, to come up with a mantra to help me sleep.

I am Feprot's night cap.

Maybe?