Having decided, more or less, to do this, in some fashion, there remained the fact that I didn't know jack shit about what I was doing or how to do it, until a late night, absinthe-fueled conversation with Satyr and Sthenno resulted in suggestions which turned into an actual plan. Candle + Orphic Hymn to Saturn. Basic, easy, nothing too likely to eat my face.
My goal was to start this particular set of activities on, you know, a Saturday. I was going to do it every Saturday for awhile until something exploded or got boring.
And then, I missed my first Saturday. I was tired or drinking or busy, and it didn't happen. But there was an urgency calling me, a lingering of that coldness I'd felt a few days before, sitting in my car, and the goal shifted. I could do it during one of the hours of Saturn. Every day. For ten days.* After that I plan to back down to every Saturday.
Someone told me this was a bad idea, jumping into daily work. See: how well I actually listen to people. Also, see: how I am already so deep in this particular energetic stream that it didn't seem too risky. Also, see: how too much is sometimes not enough, if you're me.
I'm not home much, between both jobs, so there has been a lot of staying up until two AM or waking up at 5 because that's the only time I've got. I haven't resorted, yet, do setting up in a remote corner of a parking lot on a lunch break, but I have considered it.
Day 1
Pretty straightforward. The coldness came back, concentrated on the undersides of my arms, and I felt like I was sinking into something, a shift not sideways but down.
Day 2
More coldness. I wasn't able to sit with it very long. As I finished the words, I suddenly wondered if I weren't asking to die.
I was cold, I went to sleep. I dreamed about the work I was doing, and took it as a good sign.
Day 3
I encountered some kind of a presence, not at all what I had expected. Would not be able to explain it if I tried, but I am still aware of it here and there as I go about my day. I noticed that, for the most part, I am calmer, in general.
Day 4
After Saturn work, serious smudging and other offerings. Charged some talismans that needed a boost. Spent an hour crying. Slept.
Day 5
Late, late, late. I hadn't been up this late in ages. The coldness highlighted all of the pain in my body, especially the pain in my shoulder that I feel (more about this later) is somehow linked to my desperate resistance to change.
I am crying agin. This is starting to be a pattern. Why won't you just take it away?
What, came the response, thick and gritty and flat and metallice, do you think I am doing?
Day 6
I got a free mocha at the coffee shop and when I came out a black Saturn had parked next to me. I felt good, but then concerned that I was being one of those people.
Then I felt like an idiot because I was home early enough to do this at 4 PM and I forgot, and had to stay up later than I wanted.
I tranced out, hard, without really trying. I stood on a dark and barren expanse, one where I couldn't really breathe. Something moved past me, faster than should have been possible here. It moved by again, each time taking away a bit of me: an arm, a chunk of hair. I was scattered across the darkness.
There is nothing left of me.
Then who, exactly, is watching it happen? The question echoed across the space, and I didn't hear it so much as see the waves that it created.
Day 7
Running late, so I'll be honest, today was half-assed. But it got done, and more and more I feel like it's just there, on the edge of things, and I can pull it down over me and care about whatever else is happening a lot less, whenever I want. This is a good thing to have, right now.
*My work schedule makes it nearly impossible to actually visit any of the occult shops in town for supplies, so I asked Satyr (while he was still in town) to pick up some black candles. The amount of cash I handed him turned out to be 10 candles, which is why I settled on 10 days. I heart random.
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