10 Days of Saturn: Day 10 ("This is it, the apocalypse...")

I'm waking up to ash and dust,

I wipe my brow and I sweat my rust,

I'm breathing in, the chemicals.*

10 Days of Saturn is complete. I am happy about that, but I am even more pleased that I did it, because... Whoa.

I was terrified of the prospect of this**, and the largest change I can cite right now is that I'm not scared anymore.

I'm breaking in, shaping up, checking out on the prison bus.

This is it, the apocalypse.

Also, I'm moving. That's been in the works for a while, in a "ugh, I should really do that, but *whine*" kind of way. Because I didn't want to leave, or give up, or whatever.

The sense of calm I developed over the past 10 days gradually swept away that resistance. I am not sure I even understand the hesitation any longer. It is a great apartment. I had some awesome times there. And it's absolutely over now. And that is an emotionally neutral statement. I was not actually sure I was capable of those.

I'm waking up, I feel it in my bones...

Welcome to the new age...

I am looking forward to continuing weekly Saturn work. I am ready to step back to weekly, absolutely, because if I'd gotten much calmer, much more willing to let things fall away, I'd have been a prime candidate for sitting calmly while my house burned down.

Which would have been OK.

I raise my flag, don my clothes,

It's a revolution I suppose.

I asked Satyr, a few days ago, in reference to this work (and this song, actually), What if it were?

What if it actually were an apocalypse? How is it possible that I feel I'd handle rubble and chaos with more alacrity than I am able to handle a few chaotic relationships and some money problems?

For the sake of the metaphor, for the sake of sanity, this is the apocalypse. And that's just fine.

So, I have been irritated with some people. I have felt a little powerless. I have felt trapped in my space, by my life.

In an apocalypse scenario, though, an insecure, indefensible, or otherwise less than workable base of operations would be discarded for a better option. Would I legitimately feel guilty for that? It's fucking absurd.

All systems go, sun hasn't died.

Deep in my bones, straight from inside...

Welcome to the new age...

I am filled with gratitude right now, for the energies I've been accessing and for the people who encouraged me to start this. It's been fantastic so far.

____

*Song is "Radioactive," by Imagine Dragons. And it's my Saturn return anthem. =)

**Life. Also, working with Saturn.