I gave a reading to a friend at the last Full Moon Shenanigans (a name I came up with months ago that has fortunately? unfortunately? stuck). The 10 of Wands*. The 8 of Disks. When you feel blocked, I said, slow down. Don't stop.
Wait, she responds. That's a *thing*?
I could walk instead of run?
I could definitely do with being reminded that this is,
indeed, a thing. (Installment #13 million in "Reading for other people is
also reading for yourself.") I usually have two speeds - frantic and
sleeping.
I have hit the bottom of the barrel in terms of emotional
resources, magical inspiration, and faith in my own ability to effect change in
the world. There are Reasons for this. The Reasons are less important than what
I'm doing about it.
I am meditating, terribly. I am coming back to the altar,
when coming back to the altar feels... empty. I am journaling when my thoughts
feel small and silly (or worse, small and selfish).
And I am trying to pay attention to my horoscope, even when
my initial response to reading or hearing guidance of any kind is "but I
can't do that, because..."
So this week, Rob Brezsny says:
"I'm temporarily stepping aside so you can have the
freedom to write the exact horoscope you want.... Fate and karma, which
frequently impel you to act according to patterns that were set in place long
ago, are giving you at least a partial respite. To get the maximum benefit out
of "Compose Your Own Oracle," identify three plot developments you'd
like to weave into a self-fulfilling prophecy for your immediate future. Then
start weaving."
I read a lot of astrology. I don't always get as much out of
it as I should. I've fantasized about keeping an integrated journal of
astrological influences, divination, journey work, etc. for years, but consistency
is not a strength I have.
(except consistency)
However, my favorite horoscopes are the ones that give
assignments. Give me an assignment, please, someone, for the love of all that
is holy.**
So I am following the assignment, trying to brainstorm what
I actually want, and this is what I came up with:
1) In a surprise twist, it turns out that I have a
superpower-level ability to stand calmly in my truth and speak with compassion.
2) Aforementioned superpower draws people in, instead of
alienating them.
3) I emerge from this particular dark and nasty time feeling
like I actually have a place in a community, and some ownership over some part
of my world.
In the swirling-yet-somehow-still-stagnant morass that is my
life/the whole world right now, I feel I've come to understand nothing is true.
The real problem, I realized during last-night's insomnia,
is the second part. Everything is permitted. Lately, nothing is permitted. I
don't know who's issuing the permits, but I haven't received any.
Every avenue
is blocked. I reach out my hand - to give, to take, to fucking wave hello - and
it's slapped back. I am cut off, exiled, relegated, removed.
(There's no way to express this feeling that doesn't sound
melodramatic. It's a melodramatic feeling.)
Sigil time?
But certainly everything is permitted doesn't mean everyone
will get out of your way. Certainly everything is permitted means something
more like fuck them.
My card of the day is the 7 of Wands. I said I was at the
bottom of the barrel? I am not sure there are 7 wands left down here. It's more
like:
2 coffee + 2 energy drink + High John oil + coyote tooth
earrings + saber tooth cat talisman + black eyeliner + the very last of my
suspension of disbelief = strength, she asked, hopefully?
Hopefully.
But apparently the most lofty intentions I can think of
right now are "I open my mouth and still have a place in this any
community," and that doesn't sound very 7 of Wands to me.
So I am stuck with this series of competing influences - up
the charisma (Jupiter/Sun/Venus, maybe?), smile at everyone, listen a lot, and
surely someday someone will find something useful for me to do, and I'll
finally be a real person!***
OR up the authority (Jupiter/Saturn/Mars), make a lot of eye
contact, make demands, actually expect to be heard.
And the first option sounds approximately like an amoeba and
the second sounds like a raving narcissist.
What's halfway between amoeba and narcissist? That sounds
like an opening for a really stupid joke.
I want to wrap this up with a profound insight, but I am not
having any profound insights. I guess I'll keep meditating and making offerings
and journaling and hope that I catch a break.
*Initially mistyped
as "10 of Wants." Things to meditate on.
**And also is there a
syllabus? Because I'd kill for a syllabus.
***Do I sound depressed? Um, yes. Let's move on to something
new or interesting.
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